IS SOCIETY STILL SEXIST? A MAN’S OPINION vs A WOMAN’S OPINION

 

My family starting talking about feminism a few months ago, and someone asked whether each of us considered ourselves a feminist. Surprised, I said, “of course!” and so did my Mum. But my Dad and brothers wouldn’t call themselves feminists because they thought feminism wasn’t useful anymore because society was no longer sexist. This completely shocked me – to learn that my brother’s thought there wasn’t a shred of sexism in society today. I had felt the complete opposite for a long time, and it seemed obvious to me that much of society was still sexist to a degree.

A man’s opinion on whether sexism still exists in society is in general much less relevant than a women’s opinion on whether society is still sexist.

THE MAN who says society is not sexist is commenting without personal experience . He isn’t affected by (most) sexism at all so he doesn’t have to notice it. He also has a strong personal stake in not noticing sexism. If sexism exists in society, that means he and/or his male friends are sexist (in some ways). That threatens him. He knows he is a good person, really, and that he tries in every way to treat women as well as he treats men. He feels a personal attack if anyone stimulates the possibility that any part of society can still be “sexist”. This prejudices him against noticing sexism, and against accepting that certain acts/situations are sexist. He often doesn’t consciously know he is prejudiced in this way – his prejudice against there being sexism is subconscious. This man thinks a lot less than a woman does about whether something is sexist or not. He rarely thinks about sexism, or about things that might be sexist. This is because he has a personal stake (self-pride) in not noticing sexism. This is also because as a man, sexism hardly affects him, so he simply doesn’t need to bother thinking about it.

THE WOMAN by contrast, when she says there is sexism in society is commenting based on her personal experience. She  is victimised by the sexism so she notices it easily, and experiences it much more intensely than the man will. She is more sensitive to noticing sexism because it deeply affects her. Because of this she will think much more about situations and whether they are sexist or not. She will notice sexism – if it exists – more readily than a man would.

COMPARING THIS TO RACISM:  I feel the same way about racism. I know better shut up and listen well and hard to non-white people who believe that much of society is still racist.

 

I know I better do this because I know as a woman I see that society is sexist in many areas – but many men don’t see this at all (my dad, my brothers). And this makes me furious at them, when they don’t have the experience to know, and when they don’t listen to me and my experiences.

 

If I compare this to racism - how can I think that my perspective as a white person is as good as a non-white person’s perspective on whether racism still exists?

 

I think white people should really shut up a bit and simply listen really hard to non-white people and their experiences – before deciding whether racism exists or not.

 

I think men who are quick to state “oh, society isn’t sexist nowadays!” should similarily shut up for a long while and put their prejudices and self-pride aside – and simply listen really well to women who say society is sexist - and to their experiences. These men should try really hard to understand these women’s viewpoints and reasons before they decide for themselves whether society is sexist or not. Men should acknowledge that they have a personal bias towards ignoring or belittling sexism if it does exist. They should consider how this bias affects their perception of whether sexism still exists in society or not.

 

I don’t think men have that much right to speak on the subject of sexism. I can’t believe any reasonable man would believe there wasn’t a single thread of sexism in society today. It baffles me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DON’T CALL ME A PRETTY LITTLE GIRL and DON’T ASK ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND

Some very distant relatives came over today. I’d only met them once before. One of them (a friendly old man), after we’d introduced ourselves to each other, asked me,

> “How’s it going with your boyfriend?” (playfully assuming that “of course” I must have a boyfriend, to make me feel good about myself). I replied,

> “What boyfriend?” And he said,

> “How can a pretty little girl like you not have a boyfriend?” Unsure what to say, I just smiled, embarrased. And the conversation came to a dead end.

 

 

FIVE REASONS WHY THIS CONVERSATION MADE ME FUME

1.  he assumed I want a boyfriend (he assumed all young women hate being single and want boyfriends). That we hate being independent. That we can’t enjoy being single/unattached. He assumed that we derive our primarily value from our value to guys (eg. from whether guys are attracted to us, or from whether we have a boyfriend who loves us).

 

2. he assumed that the main (only?) thing that guys consider when deciding whether to ask us out is whether we are attractive. If that is true, it hardly makes me want to date guys ever.

3. he basically told me that my primary value (to society and to myself) and measure of success in life was whether I had “succeeded” in getting a boyfriend (not in eg. my University grades, career…). And he told me that to achieve this success in life I must be beautiful. He told me that being beautiful is what would get me what I wanted in life (and that what I wanted was boyfriend + children).

4. he complimented me on being “pretty”. But I know I am just average looking, and when people comment on how I look it makes me self-conscious. It makes me aware of just how much how I look matters to them, and to society. And to my perceived chance of “future success” in life. Which, to a plain looking lady, is very worrying. I can’t do anything about how I look, but I can sort the more important parts of myself/my life out! How I look is so trivial and meaningless it makes me scared and angry when someone tells me once again how important it is for women.

5. this man would never have asked an obviously ugly young women about whether she had a boyfriend or not. To him, he would see this as pointing out her “unfortunate luck with looks”, and putting his foot in it. So it makes me very uncomfortable that he will compliment me for my plain luck in looking ‘good’. It sets me apart from those who ‘don’t', and emphasises just how important this thing to do with genes and not our hard work is.

  NOT A PRETTY LITTLE GIRL

I also didn’t appreciate the “little girl” after the word “pretty” in this man’s compliment to me. It assumes to be sufficiently pretty to get a boyfriend, one has to be small/slim and young. It assumes we have to be little and “cute”. It seems infantilizing/belittling. I don’t want to be “cute” or a “girl” – I want to be an adult!

This man who had that conversation with me is a nice man. He is a normal man. He was simply trying to be friendly, encouraging, funny and kind. Even a man like that can say things that are sexist (even through trying to be nice, even without knowing his words were sexist).

 I DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND right now.  I don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t want a boyfriend (at least for now/near future). I am very happy without a boyfriend. I am not miserable or lonely. I hardly think about not having a boyfriend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NOT a girly-girl

 

 

 

 

Bad for boys to be feminine but good for girls to be masculine?

 

 Many girls feel a stigma attached to being “too girly” which really irks me. I want to explore why this stigma is there in my next posts.  I’m feeling

really angry about this right now, upset. I’ve just realized that when I was 4 I decided I liked purple better than pink. It wasn’t true. I really did prefer pink but I was trying not to be a girly girl. Being girly was embarrassing. It was uncool. Boys teased me and thought I was silly if I acted girly. Boys are never faced with a similar stigma about being a boy, I think. It is always okay for them to like blue or trucks. If they are particularly “macho” or boy-like this is fine too. Boys are taught to strongly resist being more ‘like a girl’ – being feminine.

Hello!

I’ve started a blog because I want a place to put all my thoughts. Most of my blogs will be about feminism. I might also do some posts on disabled people/racism/Christianity/poverty… Writing helps me organise what’s in my head. If I’ve written it down I can ‘let it off my chest’ and let it consume me less.

IF you stumble across this blog, please respond in the comments! It’s probably the only way to find this blog, because I haven’t added anyone to my bloglist. I’m not sure about directing people to this site, there are so many other feminist sites, do people want to read this?

I’ve subscribed to a number of feminist blogs (including, of course, feministing.com) and I greatly appreciate their posts. I’ve also taken some Sociology papers at University – including a family/labour one, a violence one, and a crime one – which taught me a lot about how to view society – particularly from a feminist (or race) viewpoint. I took a pop-music introduction paper too which gave me a great introduction to sexism in the music industry. All of this will influence my posts, as well as my personal experiences, what I’ve seen, and the experiences of my friends.

I am in my 20’s, I am a white woman, I call myself a Christian, and I am currently studying Law and Psychology (conjoint degree).