Some very distant relatives came over today. I’d only met them once before. One of them (a friendly old man), after we’d introduced ourselves to each other, asked me,
> “How’s it going with your boyfriend?” (playfully assuming that “of course” I must have a boyfriend, to make me feel good about myself). I replied,
> “What boyfriend?” And he said,
> “How can a pretty little girl like you not have a boyfriend?” Unsure what to say, I just smiled, embarrased. And the conversation came to a dead end.
FIVE REASONS WHY THIS CONVERSATION MADE ME FUME
1. he assumed I want a boyfriend (he assumed all young women hate being single and want boyfriends). That we hate being independent. That we can’t enjoy being single/unattached. He assumed that we derive our primarily value from our value to guys (eg. from whether guys are attracted to us, or from whether we have a boyfriend who loves us).
2. he assumed that the main (only?) thing that guys consider when deciding whether to ask us out is whether we are attractive. If that is true, it hardly makes me want to date guys ever. 
3. he basically told me that my primary value (to society and to myself) and measure of success in life was whether I had “succeeded” in getting a boyfriend (not in eg. my University grades, career…). And he told me that to achieve this success in life I must be beautiful. He told me that being beautiful is what would get me what I wanted in life (and that what I wanted was boyfriend + children).
4. he complimented me on being “pretty”. But I know I am just average looking, and when people comment on how I look it makes me self-conscious. It makes me aware of just how much how I look matters to them, and to society. And to my perceived chance of “future success” in life. Which, to a plain looking lady, is very worrying. I can’t do anything about how I look, but I can sort the more important parts of myself/my life out! How I look is so trivial and meaningless it makes me scared and angry when someone tells me once again how important it is for women.
5. this man would never have asked an obviously ugly young women about whether she had a boyfriend or not. To him, he would see this as pointing out her “unfortunate luck with looks”, and putting his foot in it. So it makes me very uncomfortable that he will compliment me for my plain luck in looking ‘good’. It sets me apart from those who ‘don’t', and emphasises just how important this thing to do with genes and not our hard work is.
NOT A PRETTY LITTLE GIRL
I also didn’t appreciate the “little girl” after the word “pretty” in this man’s compliment to me. It assumes to be sufficiently pretty to get a boyfriend, one has to be small/slim and young. It assumes we have to be little and “cute”. It seems infantilizing/belittling. I don’t want to be “cute” or a “girl” – I want to be an adult!
This man who had that conversation with me is a nice man. He is a normal man. He was simply trying to be friendly, encouraging, funny and kind. Even a man like that can say things that are sexist (even through trying to be nice, even without knowing his words were sexist).
I DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND right now. I don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t want a boyfriend (at least for now/near future). I am very happy without a boyfriend. I am not miserable or lonely. I hardly think about not having a boyfriend.
